My Baa

MY BAA

Look at that family picture with such happy faces, all beaming with joy. Surely, such a bunch of happy people must have been gathered together on some momentous occasion which must have triggered the picture perfect smiles. And yet, there must, no doubt, have been previous occasions when some of the participants of that photo session would have shed a tear, grieving for a loved one as I do now. The message that picture conveys to me is that joy and sadness are an integral part of the journey called life and living which we all have embarked upon. Of course! There will be future moments when my face too will radiate the same glow as those faces in that picture. How can it not? Will I not be delirious with joy when I hold my child for the first time at the moment of birth? Will I not be crazy happy when my children say the first word or walk that first step? Will I not pump my fists in the air when my son learns to play cricket and gets his first hundred? And will I not be completely over the top when he graduates?

So right there, I have found some redemption. Hope that flows from a picture on the mantelpiece, of people I hardly know. Hope from the thought that just like these people who would have overcome their own private grief over the passing of loved ones I too may someday come to terms with the thought that my Trixie-baa is no longer a part of my life. And yet I immediately question that very hope. How will the memory every fade? Is it not that a part of me is gone forever? They say that one should cherish the good times and deal with the loss. It’s a part of life they say. Only God can and does deal with death it is not for us to question why, they say. And of course, pets have a shorter life span so one should fully expect them to pass on leaving you empty and disoriented. They say that too.

But at this point I think all who say this have no understanding of what I feel and it is beyond the scope of my strength and patience to even try to explain. And who cares about what people say. I only know what I feel. And yet I question whether I am being arrogant in thinking that no one can possibly understand the extent of my sense of loss. Everyone has to deal with bereavement at some point and they somehow find the strength to carry on. So why I am thinking that this is the worst possible feeling and that no one else can understand what I feel? Am I being a wimp? Or are the others who think it is momentary and a passing phase being uncaring and selfish? Or perhaps it’s me who is selfish. I am thinking only of how I feel, how much I miss her and whether I will ever be able to come to terms with her passing.
It seems now that I am only thinking of myself and my own feelings. And to compound the offense I am now convincing myself that I am the only caring person and all the rest of them who grieve and overcome are somehow selfish and heartless. And so now, I have to also deal with the fact that somehow I am the one who is a horrible person, always so self absorbed in my own pain and absolving myself in a holier than thou philosophy, thinking all the time that no one else will ever understand.

So what is it now? Can it be that my love for my baa was of such magnitude that no one else can possibly identify with what I feel? Or is the blatant truth merely that I am so self absorbed that I somehow can’t accept that anyone else has ever felt as devastated as I now do? Or perhaps the simple truth is only that I am cracking up.

What are these random thoughts that come to me? And why are these only of myself? Even in considering whether I am being rational or not, it’s always about what I am and how I am being and behaving in this very sad moment. Never about my Trixie-baa. Can I truly claim to love her when all I can do at her demise is to think of how I feel? What about how she felt during her illness? Or how she must be feeling now in doggy heaven? Will she be thinking of me? Oh no!! There I go again. It’s always about me. It always gets back only to me. My thoughts, my feelings, my grief, my reaction to the pain, and now how an angel in heaven must be feeling towards ME!! I now begin to hate myself. Wait a minute. AGAIN … ME!! Will I ever learn to think of others and not about myself?

And then I realize that only a few minutes ago I caught myself wondering whether all those moments of joy I hope for will ever come to pass? Will I ever know the joy of holding a child at the time of birth, or see that child’s first step or hear that first word? Once again it’s only about me. By now I am reeling under the thought that I am perhaps the most selfish person in this world and resolve only to think of other loved ones who are here to be taken care of and to be looked after. But how do I deal with this feeling of devastation? I am truly shattered as if someone had sucked out the life force from my soul while retaining only the conscious perception of events. And then once again I check myself thinking only of me once again.



Then the question arises in my mind. Is the process of grieving only about one’s own self? It is about one’s own sorrow in any event is it not? So the pain I feel is not really about my baa. It’s only about my own self. So my misery is not because of empathy or love but only because of the fact that I will miss my baa. It’s all about me after all. And how selfish is that? But wait a minute. Perhaps the truth is that all feelings of love are in a way the most selfish emotion ever that anyone can feel. Missing a loved one is about our own selves and not about the person. So when I am saddened by the thought that my baa will never again snuggle up to me and I will never again kiss her snout it’s all only about what I will miss. So then is there anything like unselfish love? Some emotion which is so amazing and pure that what matters is only the happiness of the object of adoration and not of one’s own self.

My head spins and I search for an honest answer. Have I ever loved anyone or anything so well? I know the answer. There is someone. So now I feel a bit better. I am actually capable of such a wonderful emotion. Perhaps I am not such a bad person after all.